Silent Striker- The Elmo Saga
by Ghosthatesjames
Summary: This is what happend when your nightmares meet your chilhood. Good luck. Diclaimer I don't own any of the characters and this is pure humor. Anything taken literally is done so against the wishes and intentions of the authors
1. Chapter 1

_**So this is the fucked up Elmo thing from the preview that was on SS. I liked it so I finished a chapter. There are no reviews yet so we may just decide for ourselves what we will do. Feel free to comment on this. For new people um, good fucking luck making sense of this. I am Ghost, my friend Allan also does this shit with me. We are fucked up people writing fucked up shit. Anyways I'm going to try and have this out semi weekly or something, it is fun to write and I can do something like this in about an hour or two after edits and porn (my writing process) and 20 of those minutes are spent on the latter (because I may be a perv, but I have standards). Anyways here is this. (Down the rabbit hole!)**_

1_Patiently waiting_You_2nd person(Surprise motherfucker)

You drive your car up the winding road through the dark foggy forest.

"Ok where the fuck am I going?" You ask the author sitting next to you.

"Fuck if I know." Ghost says tripping on his balls in the passenger seat.

"Make a right up here." Allan says finishing the bottle.

"This is going to be weird." You say turning onto a small dirt path up to a decrepit looking cabin.

"This cabin up here?" You ask Allan, him being the only helpful one.

"Yes." Ghost says as he pulls out a laptop.

"What is the laptop for?" You ask as he signs into Gmail.

"See one of the perks of this bullshit is that we can change anything anytime." Allan says pointing out the doc Ghost clicked on. All of the sudden you are tied to the roof rack of the 1804 Ford Impossible with Allan flying next to you.

"Ghost used to say something I think is pretty relevant here.. "Peace sends a powerful message, but personally I find parking a car in someone's living room does just fine." He said opening another bottle of Jack. Using the power of foresight you find out what is happening next.

"SON OF A BI…" your screams are cut off by the car breaking through the side wall of the cabin.

You regain consciousness under the car covered in blood.

"Damnit the virgin died." Allan said.

"Now how are we going to vanquish this fuck?" Ghost asked in tow. Then you hear a shotgun crack and vaguely see Ghost tap on the keyboard until the two authors disappear.

"You….motherfuckers…" You mutter. You crawl out of the car into the light of the living room onto a rug that looks like someone gutted Piglet from Winnie the Pooh. You see a dark figure move towards you with a gun. _Please teleport me out of here_ you silently pray hoping the authors remember you. 'The figure came into the light revealing the aged face of Winnie the Pooh.

"AIn't had visitors around here since he killed Christopher Robin." Pooh said aiming the shotgun at you.

"Please, I didn't do any of this. Those two jackasses back there did." You plead.

"Oh, bother. Another poor reader." Pooh said lowering the gun. "I thought you were with Bert or Ernie." He continued.

"Wait what?" You ask.

"Oh, that's right this is a new universe. Go into the fridge and hand me that Bud in there. This will take a while." He said sitting down in a recliner next to his rubble covered coffee table. You walk towards the fridge and grab one of the beers out of the door. Walking back to Pooh you see Piglet and Eeyore heads mounted next to a rifle with a plaque that read " _Chekhov"._ You hand the beer to Pooh who promptly cracks the top off on the table like a pro.

"Ok sit down and shut up. One word out of you and you get a bullet, no warning just a bullet." Pooh said.

"Ok." You say.

"Already off to a shitty start. No matter. So you want to know about this universe? Where did you stop reading?" He asked.

"The last chapter of Silent Striker" you say.

"Son of a bitch, I said no words." He said hitting the table. "Look some shit has happened here since the Hiatus. Shut the fuck up and let me tell you. So Neo and Yang are engaged after some shit the author kicked around for a while. Weiss and Blake are married and have a 16 year old kid named Anne. This came about after intense chess games between the authors resulting in checkmate." He explained. "It has also been 3 years since the SS hiatus takes place. Umm...Rose and Winter are married and have an adorable little shit named Emma." He continued. "Oh right. At the end of Neo's wedding Kermit, Santa, and Qrow traveled the world drinking, whoring, smoking, and all around getting in shit that is prequel worthy. Bert and Ernie joined the SchutzStaffel when the Nazis took over. Big Bird who had helped found the Nazis of Vale and became the Obergruppenfuhrer. And…" Pooh was cut off by a loud boom in the distance followed by your side exploding in pain and blood.

"Ahhhhh!" you scream in pain.

"Oh bother! He's here!" Pooh screams grabbing an M14 from a honey pot. "You will never get me alive you fuzzy fucker!" Pooh screamed shooting into the distance. As you lay bleeding out Pooh continued to shoot into the forest when a Panzer broke through the wall next to where Ghost broke through. SS Sturmtruppen rushed into the house and held Pooh at gunpoint as Big Bird in full dress uniform walked in.

"Well what do we have here?" Big Bird said in a thick German accent.

"Rat bastard." Pooh said spitting in the face of a soldier who promptly hit him with the butt of his rifle.

"Well that attitude isn't going to do." Big Bird said raising a luger. Pooh closed his eyes as Big Bird ended the bears life. He lowered the gun and turned towards you.

"Ah the reader. We have big..excuse me, medium plans for you." He said smiling. Then a soldier walked up to where you lay and injected you with a syringe.

"Trick or treat motherfucker." The soldier said as you blacked out.

2\. White trash party-Emma-First Person

My mommies are weird people. They are always moaning in their room at night. Winter says it's because of the show they are watching and that it's for adults. Anyways we are going to the swap meet in the city today and I get to go with!

"C'mon Emma stop talking to air you little schizo." Rose said.

"I'm not a skid row mommy." I said. Mommy is silly sometimes.

"Let's go Emma. We are angering you mother." Winter said smiling at Rose.

"You look really pretty mommy!" I said. My mom usually just walked around in jeans and a t-shirt with her hair in a ponytail, but today she wore a really pretty white dress with blue snowflakes on the waist. She had her hair down so it looked like she was wearing a white sheet on her head, and her Blue heels looked like they were made of ice.

"Thank you sweety." Winter said patting my head.

"Hey, I'm gorgeous." Rose said smiling.

"You look normal." I said laughing. I wondered if she knew what she was wearing.

"I know, it makes people all….moist." Rose said winking at Winter.

"What's moist mom?" I asked Winter.

"It means wet. It makes your mom wet." Rose said smiling.

"God da…rnit Rose. Not in front of her." Winter said whispering loudly.

"Mommy what does wet mean?" I asked. It was weird having two moms. Especially when they would tell me to ask the other one for things. I had to run over the entire house yesterday when they kept telling me to deliver messages.

"She means she has a water gun in her purse Emma. Now get your shoes on." Winter said glaring at Rose. I went to get my shoes from the closet while my moms whispered at each other angrily. They did this a lot. I put on my light up shoes and jumped up and down over to them.

"Look Mommy, Look Mommy."

"The pretty lights, yes I see." Winter said smiling.

"You're like a little fuc.." Rose said as Winter elbowed her in the chest.

"Bunny, Mom thinks you're a bunny." Winter said.

"I don't have a tail. Mom said the bitch at the mall had a tail though." I said.

"Emma! Where did you hear that word!" Winter said shocked.

"Mommy says it all the time. Yesterday when we were in the mall, when we were driving home, when you went into the kitchen." I said. Winter kept glaring at Rose while I talked. She seemed really mad.

"You don't say that, it's a very bad word and Rose shouldn't say it either." Winter said still staring at Rose. "I'm going to go get the car." Winter said walking out the door.

"You little fucking traitor." Rose said looking at me after the door closed.

"I'm sorry. I didn't tell mommy the new words I learned. Or about the adult things we did."

"Yea...wait what adult things?" She asked. I ran over to her and she kneeled down so I could whisper in her ear.

"The adult dosage of the Night Quilt From the corner store." I whispered. Mom stood up laughing really loud so I joined her. She thought a lot of stuff was funny.

"Yea, don't tell you mom about that or the unicorns you saw after." Rose said still laughing.

"Ok mommy!" I said smiling. Mommy wasn't ever mad at me for long. We walked out to the car and got in. Rose grabbed her C-D's and put one in.

" _My chick thicker, She rides that…"_ Winter hit the radio.

"Dammit Rose. Ludacris? I said no cursing and your playing Ludacris?!" Winter yelled.

"Oh, sorry. Forgot you were a buzz kill." Rose said putting her C-D back.

"Put on some Green Day, or Breaking Benjamin. At least you can't really hear it there." Rose put in another C-D.

" _Don't wanna be an American Idiot!"_ the song was really cool. So I tried to drum along with it. I drummed along with the songs all the way to the swap meet. We got out of the car and Winter fumbled around in her purse.

"Ok I'm giving you 200 Lien in case you want to run off" She said handing Rose and wad of cash.

"Ok mom." Rose said.

"Is mommy your mom to mom?" I asked

"As much as I wish, it was a joke." Rose said.

"Ok." I said. We walked into the swap meet when a really loud noise rang out.

"Gunshot. 20 millimeter rifle. Next street over." Rose said in a really serious tone she rarely used. She looked over at Winter who had an equally serious face.

"Mommy what's a gunshot?" I asked.

"Nothing sweetie. Me and your mother have to go check on something. Can you stay in the car for me?" Winter said kneeling down to look at me.

"Why can't I come with?" I asked.

"Because it is a very adult thing we have to do." Winter said.

"Like the moaning from down the hall at night?" I asked.

"Uhh.. a little different but yea kinda." Winter said while her face got red.

"Ok. Be careful with your show mommy." I said. Rose picked me up and ran to the car. She buckled me into my car seat.

"Ok Em, I need you to protect the car for me ok?" She asked.

"Ok mom." I said.

"Alright sweetie. Stay right here, don't move." She said. Another really loud sound rang out.

3\. Watching me while I write-Rose-First person.

I put Emma in the car and ran over to where Winter was waiting.

"I don't like leaving her." She said.

"Relax babe, it's just like old times. You need a break." I said. "If only for a minute you fucking buzz kill."

"I guess I have been in mom mode a lot lately." She said.

"You're telling me slut." I said smiling.

"Shut-up, let's go kick some ass." She said with a smile before she ran towards a building.

"Hate to watch you go, but love to see you run away." I yelled after her. We reached a building on the other side of the street and broke into it. We saw a set of stairs leading towards the roof and ran up them. Halfway to the roof we heard faint yelling from the roof.

"Nobody does that's why they hide it in fucking power bars!" A familiar voice yelled. We got to the roof and saw two people we had seen just last night.

"Bitch tell me you have a grenade." Yang said making her voice low.

"She might not, but I'm well equipped. In more ways than one," I said winking at Winter.

4\. Go home with something to poke on-Neo-First person

"So I'm nailing this midget and my mom walks in right." I said walking down the street.

"Wait back up, what part do the the Rhinos come in again?" Yang said confused as she wrote down what I said.

"They come in right after the pickle fucker gets caught red handed...Or in his case green dicked."

"Why do I have to write you life story?" She asked dropping the pencil in the sewer grate.

"Because when some e-peasant reads this they will gather their friends and we will amass an army to overthrow….something." I said.

"Why are we overthrowing something today pinkie?" Yang said with the sarcastic tone that came with hearing this often.

"I just want an army." I said getting disappointed.

"Not to encourage your little psychopathic dreams, but statistically, if you're one in a million that means in Vale alone there are 320 of you."

"Holy shit!" I said realizing it. I had never thought of it.

"Think of the possibilities." she said laughing.

"I need to find myself."

"You are not Buddhist, I don't think it counts" Yang said.

"I could at least overthrow a small midwestern town." I said. Yang laughed as we rounded the corner to see hundreds of screaming people running towards us.

"Ahhhhh, ruuuuun." The crowd seemed to collectively say. I stuck my arm out and clotheslined one of the slower ones and drug them into the shop on the corner.

"What the fuck is your problem?! Why are you running?" I asked him.

"Shooter, Dead people, Fuck!" He yelled as he twisted out of my control and ran out of the door. As the door closed a shot rang out and his chest imploded.

"Holy shit, sniper!" I yelled.

"Ok, we've done things like this before, how do you want to play it?" Yang asked. I looked around the store and found the staircase to the roof.

"Lets get to the roof and scout from there." I said.

"Ok. Let's go." Yang said as we ran towards the stairs. We bounded up the steps until we made it to the door to the roof.

"You ready?" Yang asked me smiling.

"Hell yeah, babe!" I yelled kicking down the door. We rushed to the A.C. units for cover. Yang slid past me to the one next to the door. I vaulted over it and dropped and rolled to the next one. What I hadn't counted on was the gravel on the roof. Yang wore jeans today so when she slid she didn't get hurt. My dumbass wore a tank top and a skirt with leggings. So the gravel made my skin look like crushed oreos made from blood and pale skin.

"Son of a bitch." I said looking at my fucked up arms.

"What do you see?" Yang asked. I leaned out from my unit and saw a glimmer in the building next to me from sunlight hitting a sniper scope.

"Next building, 5th floor." I said looking back.

"Yippee Kay Yay motherfucker." Yang said throwing her bag into the window. "Hey detonate the C4 Neo!" she yelled dropping back to the ground.

"What C4?" I asked

"You know…..the C4 in my bag."

"Fuck." I said "What if on accident, it was, maybe not there?" I asked.

"Neo!" Yang yelled.

"I wanted some water, and you had no power bars." I reasoned.

"We're trying to kill the sniper are you saying I just threw him a snack?!"

"Let's hope he doesn't like pomegranate." I said

"Nobody does that's why they hide it in fucking power bars!" After she said that the bag flew back over our heads.

"I don't want a power bar you bitch!" A familiar voice yelled.

"Bitch tell me you have a grenade." Yang said making her voice low.

"She might not, but I'm well equipped..In more ways than one," A familiar voice said from the doorway.

"I'd know that innuendo making voice anywhere! Rose gimme your titanic titty grenades!" Yang yelled excitedly. Rose reached into her shirt and pulled out two white phosphorous grenades.

"Holy shit! What were you planning to cook with that, Southcentral?!" I yelled.

"The in laws, she likes them extra crispy. Like her bacon and like her cats." Winter said from behind Rose.

"And I don't mean pussy," Rose said

"Cats? We don't have time for mexican food!." Yang yelled as pulled the pin on the grenade.

"Does that thing have a nipple on it?!" I yelled

"For sucking," Rose said

"Ok, with that in mind." Yang stood up and threw the grenade into the building "Suck my tits!" She yelled.

"But that's my job." I muttered sadly. A brief second later an explosion that would have made Michael Bay cum in his pants occurred across the street. We stood up while Rose and Winter came onto the roof.

"Fucking Taco Bell," I said. We crossed the downed telephone pole into the rubble and saw a doll. A doll of the most hated thing ever. The real person that shot JFK, he gave Eve that fucking apple, he was fucking Paris Hilton in that video, He cut Bruce's dick off, he masterminded 9-11, He is Osama Bin Laden's nightmare, He turns Chuck Norris into Chick Norris on her period, the very furry fucker that the mortals call Satan.

"Tickle me Elmo." the doll cried out as it blew up. I was shot back into the wall in the explosion and right before I passed out I heard Yang yell

"You will never get me alive you fuzzy fucker!"

Why you still up in the hood_Blake_First person.

I stared at my wife in my bed and smiled. 3 years ago I would never have guessed I would be married to Weiss Schnee have a kid with her. Now that I am here, I couldn't be happier. I walked down the hallway of our house. It wasn't as big as Rose's, not located in the middle of the city like Yang's, but we owned it and the land it was on and it was home. I peeked into my daughter's room she was passed out on her couch after another all nighter of gaming with her friends. She rarely made it to 4 A.M. though. I logged out of her game and shutdown the computer. She murmured something inaudible.

"Shh, go to sleep Anne." I said softly. I picked her up and carried her to her bed and tucked her in. It felt like yesterday I picked her up from the agency and held her little 12 year old self to me. Now she was 16. I closed her door behind me and returned to my room. Weiss was still asleep. I looked at the clock and it read 4:48 A.M.. In about 2 hours Weiss would get up and make a cat nap joke at my expense. Sometime around noon Anne would drag herself out of bed and take a shower. I would get up around 8 and get on with my life. I thought about calling Rose or Yang. I hadn't talked to them for awhile. It felt good to make stupid jokes and laugh with them while getting into trouble. _I might just do that._ I thought to myself. I crawled back into bed next to Weiss and put my arm over her. She seemed to stir and I saw her smile. I closed my eyes and went to sleep. I truly loved my life. Oh and sex with Weiss. That is also a big one.

 _ **(Ok right off the bat I know the math doesn't compute with Weiss and Blake's Kid. I want a teenager so I can do something later and all the other math works with 3 years since SS.)Well this is the first chapter. Sorry about the short and serious Weiss and Blake thing I kinda just threw it together real quick by myself. Allan threw a whole bunch of stuff in here as far as dialogue editing and help with ideas but for the most part this is me. I want to try and use this format for this because I feel it works, but if you have a better Idea feel free to mention it. So um yea this is a thing. I was in a really weird place writing the Blake thing (literally, this idiot sat on top of his fucking oven to type that shit.) but I feel pretty good about this being a pilot. As a side not I'm going to get back into the song lyric chapter thing just so we don't have any spoilers (Allan chewed my ass out for that to no end) I also numbered them to make it easier for me, a format thing really. In order the lyrics are 1. Patiently waiting 50 Cent 2. WTP Eminem 3. White America Eminem episode Dr. Dre 5 Rollout Ludacris. Anyways Allan might throw something in here. If he write after my sign off again imma fucking kill him. So have a nice day and as always fuck you people.**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**So based on the lack of reviews I will assume you all loved chapter 1! (because love is often expressed through silence(who are you my mother?)) So I am making chapter 2. For those of you who are new (I feel like I kinda fucked you guys on the last chap) this is a fuck around sandbox for me and my co-author Allan. It is technically an extended universe on a story we put on Hiatus and while as I would say read it( don't listen it's total shit(so is this(good point))) you don't have to due to the fact that it is unfinished and this universe will explain all you need to know on it's own. That being said I am feeling creative-ish so let's jump down another rabbit hole (but we were already down a rabbit hole, and now there is another one. A rabbit hole inside another one!(shut the fuck up))**_

 **Another Clever Word_Weiss_1st person**

"Weiss, ever just wonder where your happiness went?" Blake asked

"Yeah, into a certain teenager," I said.

"I don't know, I mean, she's grrrrrrrrreat,"

"I know she is, just everything we wanted to do just got like side lined,"

"We put our life on hold for the little bastard, I can live with that,"

"I think we got switched around in this debate,"

"Kind of like Nixon, a name we can trust,"

"What were we even talking about again?"

"Uh…. how great of an ass you have?"

"Sure, fuck it,"

"We need to get out of this house, I feel like it's going to strangle me, not unlike you,"

"Oh shut up, you like it,"

"That has no bearing on the subject on hand,"

"So what were you saying?"  
"I think we should leave Anne to take care of Emma and take Rose and Winter out just for a parent's night out. Also we ignore Neo and her bitch, I mean Yang. Those sons of bitches still have 'free time' those cunts,"

"Sounds like someone's bitter,"

"I may be,"

"Who's even talking anymore?"

"I think the author lost track,"

"Cheerios, because you're worth it,"

I stood up, "You still have dat ass," Blake commented.

"Oh shut up before I hurt you. Rose just messaged me. It went something along the lines of 'get your flat ass over here before I lose my mind, bring Anne,'"

"So what're we doing?"

"Get Anne, we're gonna spend a parent's afternoon," I made the sign of the horns and stuck her tongue out.

"I believe that I've had an adverse effect on you,"

"Animal we've become, bitches,"

"This night can go one of two ways. I'm leaning the latter an she dresses up in her… you know what? You don't need to know my sex life," Blake looked right at you, then walked out of the room flipping you off.

Blake hurried to catch up to her wife. She found her right outside of Anne's room.

"Anne I need you to babysit your cousin Emma while we go play cards." I said.

"I don't want to mom." Anne said.

"Anne just do it." I said.

"Mom, you're not Nike." Anne said sarcastically.

"I'll pay you." I said. She sat there doing something on the computer.

"Ugh, fine. How much am I getting paid to watch the little twerp." She said. I knew that would get her. She was always a greedy little shit.

"Don't call your cousin a twerp young lady!" I yelled. I swear teenagers have no respect.

"FIne. When is she going to be here."She said.

"She will be here.." I was cut off by the sound of our overly annoying doorbell. "Right now, good luck Honey." I said leaving her doorway.

"Wait how much money am I getting?!"she yelled after me.

"You will be lucky if I give you a nickel if you don't get off the computer and watch your cousin." Blake said walking by her room.

I opened the door and was greeted by Winter and Emma.

"Hey Emma, Anne will be right out just wait in the living room." I said

"Let's go girl." Winter said smiling. Ever since she had a kid my sister was in full on mom mode, it was nice to see her be relaxed for a night.

 _ **(Allan wrote the above section….I worry about him sometimes)**_

 **On Holiday_Anne_Fisrt person.**

"Anne just do it." Weiss said.

"Mom, you're not Nike." I said sarcastically.

"I'll pay you." She said. I sat there playing Call of Vale with my friends contemplating her offer.

"Ugh, fine. How much am I getting paid to watch the little twerp." I said. I may have standards but I need cash.

"Don't call your cousin a twerp young lady!" She yelled.

"FIne. When is she going to be here." I said accepting the reality that I would not get out of this with my dignity. Self respect is overrated anyways.

"She will be here.." She was cut off by the sound of our overly annoying doorbell. "Right now, good luck Honey." She said leaving my doorway.

"Wait how much money am I getting?!" I yelled after her.

"You will be lucky if I give you a nickel if you don't get off the computer and watch your cousin." Blake said walking by my room.

"Fuck." I said. I logged off my game and walked into the living room to see my little cousin standing there all alone.

"Where did everyone go?" I asked.

"They all left to their game." She said with the toddler lisp that fucked up the "L's" in words. The thing is I wanted to hate her. She always ruined the plans I had with my friends and she was so naive, But I'll be damned if she isn't the most adorable little shit I have ever seen.

"You look really cute today Emma." I said in my softest voice.

"Thanks Anne-y, you're really pretty. My mommy says I will look as pretty a you one day." She said. Well there goes my plans of hating her.

"Aww thank you. So what do you want to do today?" I asked kneeling down to look at her.

"Let's go to the fucking mall!" She said.

"I see you still live with Rose." I said noting her colorful vocabulary. It wasn't Rose's fault really at this age kids are practically mimics. They copy everything.

"Of course, she is my mom." She said squinching her face up and laughing.

"Well my mommy gave me a car so I guess if we HAD to." I said teasing her.

"We can go to the mall?!" She said with more excitement than I remember ever having.

"Hell ya we can, let me grab my purse." I said standing up. I walked down the hall into my room to get changed. I didn't want to go to the mall in sweatpants and a stained Nirvana shirt I had worn for the past three days. I went to close my door and realized I had a tail.

"Um, Emma I have to change." I said pushing her head a little.

"Why don't you change then?" She asked pushing against my hand.

"Because I want to change by myself." I said.

"Why?"

"Because I don't want you seeing me naked."

"Why?"

"Because it would be weird."

"Why?"

"Is that all you are going to say?" I asked.

"Why?" she said laughing.

"Wait in the hallway." I said pushing her a little more.

"I don't want to." She said running back into my hand before I could close the door.

"It will just be a second." I said.

"I don't want to be alone." she said stamping her little foot. If she stays this cute forever she won't have to pay for anything in her life.

"Fine." I said opening the door.

"Yay." She said jumping up and down.

"But just sit on the bed and don't speak." I said

"Ok" She walked over to my bed and I realized my bed was taller than she was. She attempted to climb up the bed. She failed and fell flat on her ass.

"Ow!" She screamed upon hitting the floor. I couldn't help but laugh, she was fucking adorable.

"Here let me help you up." I said picking her up and putting her on my bed.

"Thank you Anne-y" She said clapping.

"It's just Anne, and no problem." I said walking over to my window. I looked on my floor and found a pair of jeans and a Green day shirt that smelt relatively clean. I picked up a clean pair of underwear and a bra from my dresser underneath my Legos. I took off my shirt and threw it vaguely towards my closet. Then she started talking.

"What are you wearing?" She asked.

"A bra." I said kicking off my flip flops.

"Why are you wearing a bra?" She asked.

"So my boobs don't sag."

"What are boobs?" she asked as I took my bra off.

"Well um, these." I said pointing at my boobs.

"Oh, will I have those?" she asked as I put a 'clean' bra on.

"Yea, when you get to be my age." I said taking off my sweatpants.

"Will mine be as big as yours?" She asked

"Seeing you mom, yes." I said taking off my underwear.

"What is that?" She said pointing between my legs.

"Um, that's a vagina." I said quickly putting on the new underwear.

"What's does it do? And why is it so hairy?" She asked tilting her head.

"Um, ask your mom." I said wriggling into my jeans. I threw on my shirt and threw on my socks.

"Do I have one?" she asked looking at me jam my foot into my shoes.

"Um, yea." I said.

"Will it look like yours."

"What is this 20 questions?" I asked grabbing my keys and phone.

"I just wanted to know." she said hanging her head.

"Hey, it's ok. You're three, you get to be curious. Now let's go to the mall." I said.

"Yay!" she said looking at the floor.

"Oh right." I said picking her up of the bed.

"Weeee!" She screamed. I put her down in the doorway.

"Again! Again!" She screamed throwing her hands up and jumping.

"Fine." I laughed as I picked her up and put her on my shoulders. I had to duck through the doorway so she didn't hit her head. I closed and locked my door as I went into the living room. I grabbed an old notebook and a pen and wrote a note for my moms.

" _I took Emma and my car to the mall. I have my phone. Will be back in a bit. -Anne 3:30 P.M."_ I scribbled on the paper. I tore it out and taped it to the door. Then I ducked again and walked towards my car.

Now my car wasn't just any car. As my aunt Neo puts it, "It's a fucking legend.". See my parents weren't going to get me a car, mainly because I had shitty grades, because I couldn't focus in school, because the teachers are Nazis and the material is boring and I'm smarter than the teachers. My aunt Neo however was not going to let me walk to school for my sophomore year due to bad grades. She gave me one of her old cars. A jet black 1970 supercharged Dodge Charger. I put Emma in the front seat.

"Mommy says I can't sit in the front." She said.

"I'm not your mommy." I said in return.

"But mommy says it's not safe."

"Not in her car, but here it is fine." I said. I didn't have a carseat and I wanted to keep an eye on her.

"Ok." she said as I buckled her in. She couldn't see over the dashboard and her feet didn't even go off the seat.

"I feel like a racecar driver!" She said as I got in.

"You look like one." I said.

"Vroom, vroom!" she said turning her hands like they were on a wheel and pushing her foot like a pedal.

"Watch this Emma." I said unbuckling her. "Stand up, you want to see this." She stood up and I put the key in the ignition. "You ready?"

"Ya, go!" She said. I turned the engine over and the car roared to life. I swear as long as I live I will never tire of that sound. I shifted to drive and double petaled it to make it roar so loud it shook the windows. "That's awesome!" She said clapping.

"Yea now sit down let's go to the mall." I said pushing her down and buckling her again.

The road from our house to the mall was mostly service streets along a freeway and dirt roads, both of which speed limits were a vague suggestion. The speed limit goes from 25 to 40 to 50 to 10. The entire way to the mall I did about 108. The entire way there Emma was next to me making racecar noises and pretending to turn when I did. She really liked fast cars. Having a day with our aunt Neo will do that to a person.

We finally arrived at the mall in about 45 minutes, for what would normally take about 2 hours. I got out of the car and noticed that the parking lot was fairly empty for 5 P.M on a Saturday. I opened the door for Emma and she hopped out and she wobbled then fell promptly on her ass.

"Sweetie careful." I said helping her up.

"Ok." She said smiling. We walked to the entrance holding hands because she wanted to. Ok that's a lie, I didn't want to lose her. It's a lot of responsibility to have a child, like you can't just replace it the next day. It's a kid, not a fuckin toaster.

"So where do we want to go first sweetie?" I asked her bending down a little to hear her.

"There's a dust shop on the top floor that has those illusions!" She said excitedly.

"Ok honey. Let's go." I said. We walked into the mall and she held my hand tighter. The crowd got thicker and thicker and I almost hand white knuckles before I finally decided to just throw her up on my shoulders. We rode the escalator to the second floor and waded our way towards the Dust shop. We got there and the entire shop was bare. I put Emma down and walked up to the clerk.

"Um, you don't happen to have any illusion dust in the back do you?" I asked

"Let me guess, for you daughter?" The man asked leaning in.

"Who? Oh her, no she's my cousin. I'm only sixteen." I quickly explained. I looked nothing like her, how was I anything like her mother. WInter had way better tits than I did.

"Oh, sorry. Anyways I'll check in the back sweetie." He said smiling at Emma.

"Can you believe he thought I was your mom?" I asked Emma after he was in the back.

"You're not my mommy. Are you?" Emma asked.

"No I'm not. I'm not nearly as pretty as you or your moms." I said laughing.

"Yes you are, silly." She said.

"Ok, fine." I said smiling as the man came back out.

"I managed to find this behind some old boxes little girl." He said handing her a large bag of illusion dust.

"Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god." She screamed. "Can I get it, Can I get it, Can I get it. Please please please Anne-y." She continued jumping up and down.

"How much is it?" I asked him smiling.

"Well since it is my last one, and I still need to eat….3000 Lien." He said looking at me.

"What kind of Mickey Mouse bullshit is this?!" I asked.

"Hey lady I've got bills. I helped you, help me. Besides, look at her face. What's 3000 Lien for the happiness of your little cousin." He said looking at me.

"Look here fuckenhymer, me and you both know that you don't get paid on commission. You get cash as long as you stand your ass behind this counter, and even if this was a mark up the normal price is 22.50. What kind of shit are you trying to run me for. Do you have any idea who I am?" I ranted. I loved using my name to my advantage. Schnee privilege is quite amazing.

"Who are you, some random bitch that doesn't want to pay full price?" He said. I handed him my I.D. and he looked it over then dropped it with a gasp. "Sorry Ms. Schnee, I had no idea." He pleaded.

"Thank you, now I will be taking that dust at a 50% discount." I said lifting my head. I loved myself sometimes. Name enough to be a douche, poor enough to be resourceful. Looking back on it my mothers knew exactly what they were doing when they raised me.

"Yes, Ms. Schnee. Yet again I am very sorry." he said. "Umm Winter, doesn't need to hear about this….does she?" He asked.

"Yes I suppose you can keep your job. I forgive you." I said. The mention of my aunt was enough to terrify the poor bastard.

"Thank you, in fact take this free of charge." He said giving Emma the bag. It was almost enough to crush her, a 35 pound bag to a 3 year old, it weighs as much as she does. I took the bag from her and slung it over my shoulder.

"Thank you Mr…..Ericson. I may put in a few good words for you in fact." I said. The whole Schnee name thing really came with an attitude you had to keep.

"Thank you very much Ms. Schnee." He said going into the back.

"He was right, your mom doesn't need to hear about any of that." I said looking at Emma.

"Ok Anne-y." She said looking at me.

"Good, now let's go get a pretzel and a drink." I said. I picked her up and tied the bag to my purse. I walked with her over to the food court and stood in line for the pretzel shop. Now ordinarily the food court is packed. Today it was a sea of people, which surprised me considering the parking lot was almost empty. It looked like everyone and their grandmother was here. I tried nine time to get in line for the pretzel stand and between not being able to see and the lines being crowds at this point I failed amazingly. I tried to get in line for the stand once and ended up across the mall somehow. Then my genius struck.

"Hey Emma, I need a favor while you're up there." I said.

"What do you need Anne-y?" She asked.

"I need you to guide me to the pretzel stand."

"Ok Anne-y, go straight." She said. Here is the lesson I'm getting at here. Never, ever, ever…...ever, give a three year old that kind of power. They will fuck you over every time without fail. I ended up buying her cotton candy, Skittles, Subway, cake, corn dogs, Finally by the time I got to the pretzel stand to get my fucking pretzel she had more food than a 3rd world country sitting on my shoulders. I got my pretzel and drink and had Emma hold on to it while I made my way back to the car. When I had entered the mall it was bright outside. I exited the mall and it is pitch black. My car is literally the only car in the west parking lot. I walked out to the car and put the bag in the backseat with all Emma's extra food. I buckled Emma in and closed the door. I looked at my watch and saw it was 10:16. I hated the mall for this very reason. Time flew and most of the time there is no substance, it's like Disney world and the DMV it's mostly lines. I walked around back of the car and someone pushed me. I looked up and knew I was fucked. A tall man with a ski mask and completely black clothing had a gun pointed at me. He was twitching like he was on withdrawals from something bad.

"Run that shit bitch." He said.

"Ok, just don't do anything bad." I said. Fuck, fuck, fuck. My little cousin in my very expensive car in a parking lot with nobody else and I'm being robbed by a strung out asshole.

"Bitch shut the-" Before he could finish a pink object came through his sternum and opened up to reveal a parasol I recognized.

"This motherfucker over here acting like he run shit." My aunt Neo said withdrawing her parasol from the man.

"Oh my god, you're a lifesaver Aunty Neo." I said hugging her. She reluctantly hugged me back. She hated the fact that she was my aunt and I was taller than her by about a foot.

"No problem, how's my favorite little sociopath and my baby niece?" She asked smiling.

"I'm doing great and Emma was having an amazing time in the mall just now. What are you doing here?" I returned.

"Well you haven't been home and I found your note when I went to get more beer, So I figured I would come check on you." she said.

"Thank you so much." I said.

"Ya, you owe me. You're going to be cleaning the fuck out of some cars next weekend aren't ya?" She joked.

"Yes Neo." I said smiling. She ran her hand over the length of the car and opened the passenger side.

"How is this baby doing?" she said kneeling down to look at Emma. I think she liked her because Emma was the only one shorter than her.

"Aunty Neo!" She screamed. "I'm not a baby aunty Neo." she said matter of factly.

"Aww, yes you are you little rascal. I hear you gave your cousin a hard time." she said unbuckling her and picking her up.

"I did not, Anne-y had a good time. Right Anne-y."

"Ya Emma, I had a great time."

"C'mon Emmy let's have your cousin drive us home." She said getting in the car with Emma on her lap. I got in the car and drove out of the mall very carefully and I did the speed limit.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Neo asked after about a minute.

"What do you mean?" I asked

"Why are doing the speed limit?" she asked. "This is a service road, you floor it through here that's why I gave you a fast car. If you ain't using it every chance you get I can always take it back." she said.

"No, no. I usually do but you're here so I wanted to be more careful so I didn't get in trouble." I said dropping the shifter into overdrive.

"The 4 years we've been together have you ever got in trouble? I pulled your psychotic ass out of that orphanage, trust me, we are friends more than Aunt-Niece." She explained.

"Ok Neo." I said.

"Good, now get us to your house I'm going to crash on your couch tonight." She said.

"Something wrong between you and Yang?" I asked concerned.

"No, just tired. Also want to spend time with my nieces for a while. We don't hang out enough." She said.

"Ok." I said. I got us home and her and Emma were passed out in the passenger seat. I picked up Emma and laid her down in my bed and tucked her in. I pulled out an air mattress I usually used for guests and threw one of my pillows on it. I went back in the car and grabbed my surprisingly small aunt and put her on the couch. I put a blanket over her and turned of the light. I went to sleep on the air mattress.

 **TITLE_Neo_First Person**

I woke up in our apartment early in the morning. Yang had apparently picked up in the rubble and carried me home. I looked over and saw that she was lying next to me with her arm over me. I looked at her sleeping face and realized how much I really loved her. I looked at the clock, it was 6. A.M. I got up and went to the kitchen. I pulled out the bacon and eggs to make her some breakfast. I was cooking her breakfast and realized I hadn't had time to get dressed at all. I was wearing rainbow socks, mismatched bra and panties and an old Nirvana shirt that was about 2 sizes too big. I kept cooking thinking that I would throw on a pair of sweatpants before I woke her up. I was just about done when two hands came under my arms and clasped right at my waist then I felt Yang press up against me and rest her head on the back of mine.

"You're up early." She groaned.

"Yea, I just wanted to make you some breakfast real quick before we have to do something." I said.

"What do we have to do today?" she said.

"Later we have that card game." I said.

"I thought you didn't want to go."

"Well I thought about it and-."

"They're having Anne babysit and told you to just come get drunk with us." Yang said cutting me off

"...yea." I admitted.

"I don't see why you're so worried about them." She said.

"It's just that we don't spend any time with them, I just want to be there for them. Like let them know that we still care."

"You gave Anne a car. What more do we need to say?"

"I don't know. I just feel like, y'know, kids are fun."

"Ya, your point?"

"Well we don't do much anyways, and we have plenty of money as well."

"Ya? Where are you going with this?" I turned around and pulled her close to me.

"We have a kid." I said looking at her.

"Wait, what? Why are we all of the sudden getting a child?"

"Because they're fun. I feel like we would be great parents."

"It's a living breathing human being, it's not like a goldfish. If this thing dies it's neglect and abuse."

"It wouldn't die."

"We don't even have a fucking dog." She said pushing away from me. I turned around and finished her breakfast.

"We could get a dog." I said.

"Neo! It is too fucking early to be talking about getting a dog to get a kid." She yelled after plopping down on the couch. I put breakfast on a plate and gave her hers.

"I just think it should be something to consider." I said sitting down across from her.

"Why are you saying this now?" she asked chomping into some bacon.

"I was just thinking about it the other day. Everyone else has kids and I just think it would be cool to have a kid. We could take the kid everywhere and teach it things."

"Neo, listen. I'm not going to sit here and say I haven't thought about it. But I don't know if we would be ready to actually care for a child." She said. I got up and sat down next to her.

"We could do it." I whispered into her ear as I put my arm around her.

"It's just a lot to take in at once." she said looking away. I flipped her over and straddled her on the couch.

"We don't have to decide right now, I just wanted it to be a thing to think about." I said laying down on her chest.

"I know. It's just a really big decision." she said petting my head.

I wriggled down and kissed her stomach right above her waist.

"I love you." I said into her shirt.

"I love you too." She said patting my head then getting up. I got up and put away my dish.

"So is there anything we have to do before the party?" I asked.

"No, not really." She said. "I'm going to go back to sleep."

"Well I'm going to go to the store for the week because we need a few things."

 _ **Well this is longer than I expected because at this point I'm addicted to writing Anne and Emma. Allan might do something? He hasn't for the last few chapters because he leaves his computer for like hours at a time so I just go on without him**_ _(bitch, I did the whole Weiss and Blake section)_ _ **So ya. I want to try and have this out regularly-ish. This one is about**_ _ **4600 fucking words. 4600! What the actual flying (swimming) fuck?. He is afraid of heights, y'know?**_ _**So ya, comment if you want to see anything because at this point anything is possible.**_


	3. LMAOOO IM BACK

_Soooooo it's been a long ass time._ _ **(Understatement)**_ _Oh boy, do we even begin?_ _ **(we have had a problem beginning anything)**_ _Long story short, the band broke up and uh…_ _ **(kinda like a dropped toaster)**_ _we made up after we both woke up in seperate ditches in separate countries._ _ **(with separate toasters)**_ _Honestly, I admitted I had a problem_ _ **(and I admitted he had a problem)**_ _after I had to remove my balls from a fucking vase._ _ **(mine are still out there somewhere...god damn elves)**_ _Santa was not kind after he read our interpretation of him_ _ **(couple of hard pipe hitting elves with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch, you hear that ginger. I ain't done with you or the blonde by a damn sight. Imma get medieval on your ass)**_ _.Point is, fuck Santa. (_ _ **And those elven bastards...where are my testicles Sharon?)**_ _Poor bastard. At least my nuts survived the fucking Santa Casino Royale_ _ **(I traded mine for the toaster)**_ _. And was it worth it? NOPE._ _ **(says you this toast is delicious)**_ _Oh god, remember the Xbox incident? How did that even happen?_ _ **(CAUSE YALL NEED A DAMN PRAY STATION THATS WHY)**_ _Lemme illustrate this. It's 2am, I get a desperate call. Mother fucker got drunk_ _ **(that was sure as hell not just drunk. I was roofied or something)**_ _, and somehow got his balls_ _ **(only one of them don't lie)**_ _caught in the tray of his Xbox 360_ _ **( wasn't my xbox. Man that Gamestop employee was pisssssssed)**_ _. Nuts fucking stuck. Point is, we all eventually came to our sense_ _ **(I mean we're back I'm not sure how much sense is involved here)**_ _, and here we are. So… time for some long awaited_ _ **(you act like people read this)**_ _SS, take it away Ghost you megalomaniac._ _ **(I prefer egomaniac)**_

Norf Norf_Fucking figure it out_Third person?

Yang and Neo sat across from each other at the coffee shop.

"What the fuck, we've been frozen for a year?" Neo said rather pissed at the dipshits writing this.

"Ya, and one of these fuckwits is on a dying cell phone. It's 2 in the afternoon and I'm drinking coffee, I don't wanna see fuck boy struggling with the autocorrect." Yang said.

"Well where do we go from here?" Neo asked "Our precious strategy of movie quotes and stolen comedy isn't gonna work here is it?" she continued

"Well I think since the author is getting a little tired of jerking himself off we better get up, stop dry humping the rubble that was the 4th wall and start dancing like the trained monkeys we are" Yang explained. When all of the sudden a loud noise followed by patrons from the other shops running in terror got the author out of his dialogue loop.

"What the fuck was that!" The barista yelled.

"lazy writing, you exist in this universe get used to it" Yang calmly explained. Neo was clearly on edge until a clearly psychotic laugh cut all fear out of her system with a penis shaped knife. The red caped terrorist skipping down the plaza with her stern, sexy, milf-y wife hot on her heels.

"It's been TOO LONG BABY! The bitches are back and you better believe we're better than over. Oh hai Yang." Rose yelled, a crazed look in her eyes.

"ROSE, YOU CRAZY WHORE! WELL SLAP MY ASS AND CALL ME A CHEAP PLOT DEVICE, HOW THE HELL ARE YA?!" Yang yelled excitedly jumping up at the site of her batshit crazy sister.

"Uh, well let's see her, I just did a line of coke off of Winter's tits, fucking Tigger has an AK-47 and my tits now shoot lasers. So, uh, FUCKING GREAT!"

"I'm not nearly high enough for this shit right now" Neo said dejectedly.

"I can fix that!" Rose yelled, pulling from her massive knockers a fucking windex bottle.

"I've put some crazy shit up my ass to get high. Vodka tampons? Check. Fried chicken battered in crack? You betcha! But that shit you put on Windows so the pope can see you jerk off in high definition? I gotta say you have aroused my…..hehe interest." Neo said channeling the mental issues of the author.

"Uh, bih, this ain't Windex. This is my portable shroom launcher. This shit is laced with the strongest shit I can find, I use it in place of pepper spray, but if you need to get high it'll work in a pinch"

"I'm on board if it'll get us by until the inevitable sequel to the Christmas special!" Yang said realizing this shit is basically a fucking snuff film at this point.

"Uh, who wouldn't want that?" Rose said, spraying both Yang and Neo with her crazy drugs.

"Basically everyone, nobody really asked for this shit." Yang said

"Yo but like, the dragons man!" Neo said already tripping off of her lady-balls. You see in the past year her tolerance had gone to shit.

Rose couldn't help but laugh, she was a connoisseur of crazy after looked pissed beyond belief, and in her old age anger had turned to a drug fueled rampage and bloodlust. She looked as if she was going to swoop from her perch above the Jurassic Park movies and tear out the throats of the innocent and plunge the world into an age of darkness that would never end. **Although dear reader you shouldn't worry. #1 because this is obviously fictional you fucking dim wit. And secondly because Rose had just the thing to calm her batshit crazy Keith Richards look alike wife. You can find this in the depths of Urban Dictionary. I of course am referring to...Square Fingering.**

Winter coughed, "I don't know if you forgot this, but Tigger is still out there… with an AK-47!"

"I lost my name! I gotta go hunt that motherfucker. Last time I had to track it down to the train tracks and gut my refrigerator to find that son of a bitch" The nameless one said. She was very short and was reminiscent of the 2nd best type of ice cream. Her name escapes me though. Almost as if I am on the same amount of LSD she is.

"You got to have some bounce!" Tigger yelled, shooting into a crowd of infants and orphans.

"Oh my god! That monster!" Someone from the crowd yelled.

"Don't worry, they're orphans. It's not like anyone will miss them" someone else quipped back.

"Who gives a shit about orphans? He shot the cabbage stand!"

"Yes but not the cabbage patch kids and that's all I actually care about" The truck driver said, back from whatever chapter we left him in.

"Ay mon, we do what we want to do, chillin' and shittin'" a suspiciously racist character from the same chapter piped up.

"Aye, you Jamaican Bahstahd. You left me to die in that Walmart!" an Irish woman yelled, from seemingly out of nowhere. By nowhere we mean a completely different story we've long since abandoned.

"Yo what the fuck, who are you?"

"I don't know, I don't know who the fuck is even talking at this point." A character that looks suspiciously like the author mentioned.

"You know what, fuck you, you complain again and I'll draw a goddamn roadmap for you," A redhead screamed for no goddamn reason.

"Nah, I'm winging this on some Project Citizen shit." The blonde one said flashing back to 7th grade.

"This is what happen when we go on seperate coke binges"

"I told you, pack of Parliaments and you do a bump. First timers should not go for rails on some Scarface shit. It's like you fuckers don't know how to dose"

"You know what, it's not my fault I got robbed by a tweaker. Sure, all I had was 2 dollars and a box of Thin Mints, but it still happened,"

"Ain't a fucking tweaker this side of Apache Junction that would turn down Girl scout cookies. The strain or the actual cookies."

After the redhead mentioned Thin Mints something… perplexing happened. Out of nowhere marched about 40 girl scouts, all wearing a sash covered in disturbing merit badges. They carried Desert Eagles and stood foot to foot, feet shoulder width apart. A larger woman yelled, "Cookie Brigade, fire on that fucking tiger."

So that's what they did, blasting shot after shot into Tigger, ripping him to shreds, chunks of orange fur and blood flying all over the place, getting in the author's hair.

"Gross," the redhead said.

"I'm turned on by this," the blonde said, confused as to what exactly turned him on, the gore or the Roman soldier like efficiency of 18 year old girls in colorful uniforms. They're not exactly Muslim women, but hot nonetheless.

Rose turned to Winter, "Did… did that even happen? Or am I high?"

"Both!" Neo said after finding her name.

"I have no words. What the fuck," Winter was shocked, despite being married to a walking acid trip.

"What the fuck, you're married to my sister the goddess of chaos and spoiler of virgins, THE master of abortions." Yang replied confused.

"Fuck the what, when do the Chinese come into this?" Rose hung up her phone, "I'm sorry, what were we talking about?"

As if on cue the smell of dumplings and garlic filled the air as hundreds of the yellow slant eyed fucks fell from the sky.

"We come in peace from the great sky Gods. We must ask question of you, Ms. Rose, we hear you have, how you say, good kung fu moves to teach us?"

"What the actual fuck is happening" Yang said.

"I think they are attempting to set up a Halloween special but going about it fucking horribly" Neo replied obviously too high to realize we know exactly how to set that shit up.

"What happened today was both incredible and bad, so we'll call it incredibad," Rose hummed the fittingly specific song while staring at the Chinese men.

"Give me horse cock, of course cock." Neo hummed for no fucking reason at all.

"Oh shit, we doing karaoke now?" Rose pulled a mic from her tits, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is RWBY Number 5"

One, two, three, four, five

Everybody in the car, so come on let's ride

To the liquor store around the corner

The fans say they want some White Rose

But I really don't wanna

Beer bust, like I had last week

I must stay deep, 'cause talk is cheap

I like Ruby, Weiss, Neo and Yang

And as I continue you know you feel the same

So what can I do? I really beg you, my Lord

To me flirting is just like a sport

Anything fly, it's all good let me dump it

Please set in the trumpet

A little bit of Neo in my life

A little bit of Yang by my side

A little bit of Ruby is all I need

A little bit of Weiss is what I see

A little bit of Glynda in the sun

A little bit of Winter all night long

A little bit of Blake here I am

A little bit of you makes me your man

RWBY No. 5!

Jump up and down and move it all around

Shake your head to the sound

Put your hands on the ground

Take one step left and one step right

One to the front and one to the side

Clap your hands once and clap your hands twice

And if it looks like this then you're doing it right

A little bit of Penny in my life

A little bit of Coco by my side

A little bit of Velvet is all I need

A little bit of Nora is what I see

A little bit of Pyrrha in the sun

A little bit of Emerald all night long

A little bit of Cinder here I am

A little bit of you makes me your man

Trumpet!

The trumpet!

RWBY No. 5!

(ha ha ha)

A little bit of Melanie in my life

A little bit of Miltiades by my side

A little bit of Nebula is all I need

A little bit of Gwen is what I see

A little bit of Octavia in the sun

A little bit of Reese all night long

A little bit of Lisa here I am

A little bit of you makes me your man

I do all I do

To fall in love with a girl like you

You can't run and you can't hide

You and me gonna touch the sky

RWBY No. 5

"So we're just going to ignore the red mist of a tiger sitting in front of weirdly attractive cookie snipers?" Yang asked.

"Well that was the plan, but you fucked it all up Yang!" Winter scoffed.

"Since when is there a fucking plan to any of this?" Neo inquired inquisitively.

"Well you see, a long time ago there was a plan… well sort of… okay there never was, but there was a lot of porn and weed," Rose commented, matter of factly.

"I liked you better when you was Ruby Rose with the cheesy acts, who the fuck is Rose Miller?" Neo misquoted.

"Well, at one point the authors realized that they needed a straight man to Yang and Neo's antics, but somehow that got fucked up and ironically the once absurd and crazy characters became the straight men, er, gay women themselves," Winter explained.

"Ssshhh they aren't cleared to know that." Some weird government type dude said as he passed through frame.

"Oh shit, it's Will Smith! How you doing man?" Rose exclaimed.

"Bitch you thirsty please grab a sprite." Yang said realizing that for the rest of this """"chapter"""" she would be speaking in random song quotes.

"I'm sorry, were we talking about something? Will Smith flashed me and I kinda forgot what just happened,"

"I challenge you to a rock off!" Jack Black mentioned

"Wrong fucking medium and wrong fucking movie fat man keep it pushing!" The four weird lesbians exclaimed in unison.

"I want to go home, this is starting to get weird." Neo said growing more concerned that this isn't going to suddenly start making sense.

"Baby you know imma take care of you, cause you say you got my baby and I know it ain't true" Ol' Dirty Yang sang.

"Ramadamadamadingdong mother fucker," Rose yelled, "I just saw something!"Our heros looked off to the other side of the plaza and saw something that defied words. I mean I say that but Neo pretty much summed it up

"Yo why is King Kong playing ping pong with his ding dong in a pink thong?"

"I don't know, but I do know that I'm so down it ain't even funny," Rose pulled a ping pong paddle from in between her bing bongs, ready to beat King Kong in a match so she could take his ding dong and destroy Hong Kong.

"ROSE DON"T HIS SCHLONG IS THE SIZE OF A SKYSCRAPER!" Neo yelled.

"What's this bitch retarded, gimme back my 16 dollars." Yang rapped rather nasaly.

"I'm gonna fucking fly his schween there, watch me!" Rose yelled, "never challenge me to a game of 'break reality and everything in it'!" she screamed.

"You're as delusional as the people writing this!" Neo exclaimed.

"So what I'm hearing is that this is going to go down without a hitch because plot devices?" The stoned Circle J employee said throwing in his two sense. **(inside joke)**

 **SMASH CUT TO FUCKING HONG KONG ON FIRE**

"Rose, what the fuck did you do?" Winter screamed in panic.

"We did categorize her as the god of destruction." Neo explained.

"YOU SAY GOD AND I SAY SA10!" Yang screamed in an eerily Marilyn Manson tone of voice.

"It's like my teacher taught me when I heard the crowd applaud. I thought I was an atheist until I REALIZED I'M A GOD!" Rose laughed maniacally, watching the citizens of Hong Kong run and scream in terror at the fucking apocalypse shit they're watching go down.

"She lives for the applause applause, applause." a now auto tuned Yang quipped back over a synth track while wearing a skirt of raw meat.

"Babe that's starting to smell could you go through another unnecessary wardrobe change" Neo said covering her nose.

"Now we must make haste, for there is work to be done at home base. I am a poet, and I did not know it." Rose was British now for some reason.#plot

"God damn them all I was told we'd cruise the seas for American gold. We'd fire no guns, shed no tears." Yang said in an Irish folksy tone.

"Ok now these don't even make sense are these just whatever is stuck in the heads of these fucking morons?" Neo asked.

"Ah my dear Neo, that's the secret. These interjections always were a manifestation of the mental abortions rattling around the heads of these fucks." Nico Di Angelo said stroking a bald cat on some Doctor Evil shit.

"Dude did you not hear what we said to Jack Black, wrong fucking story dude fuck off." Neo angrily said as she began throwing rocks at the pale faced little shit.

"Yo, be careful, that's a hate crime," Rose warned.

"It can't be I'm gayer than him." Neo replied.

"Oh shit, you right, we all gay here. Super gay. Like, the gayest gay to ever gay on the planet gay of gay planets," Rose muttered, getting kind of rambly.

"Ok if you fucking lesbians don't start entertaining us I'm going to do a lot worse than only letting Yang speak through random fucking songs on my Spotify." The blonde asshole writing this said. Threatening to make this shit weirder was all in all taken as an idle threat because frankly I'm the all knowing Irish narrator and I don't even know what level of fucking hell this is from.

"Rap battle." the redhead suggested.

"Excuse me, what the fuck?" the blonde asked.

"Rap. Battle."the redhead stated slower.

"No bruh I heard you but like….por que my guy?"

"It's not like it's gonna make it harder to understand."

"Fair point."

"Well fuck. I think we have no choice. So uh, couple teams?" Rose asked.

"Fuck no that's too easy and makes far too much sense." the blonde replied.

"Then… what?" Winter asked.

"Teams for the government mandated rap battle are as follows. Neo and the Truck driver, Yang and the stoned Circle J employee, Winter and the EMT, Rose and Jesus." The blonde explained. " Me and the narrator will keep score"

Dude what the fuck keep me out of this

"Fine, I'll keep score" he said in a huff realizing it's far too difficult to force a Leprechaun to rap."And because we hate the 2 people that actually read this we're gonna start with Rose and Jesus. My man, the myth, the legend, the son of the OG and the best damn carpenter this side of the Palestinian border JC you better bring this fucking house down."

THIS IS THE EPIC! RAP BATTLES! OF BULLSHIT!

"Yo my child, McSpin that shit *insert the Cowboy Bebop theme here* …..Yo yo yo, lets do this. Yo I said Hail Mary full of grace, set the motherfucking pace, the Lord is with thee and will bring these fucks to me on bended knee. Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb me! Yknow there ain't other fly as ya man JC. Holy Mary Mother of God, blessed me with my rockin bod. Pray for these sinners now and at the hour of their death, cause imma make them breathe their final breath. A fuckin men. DJ cut that shit." After Jesus spit the most fire verse a sleep deprived teenager could manage the dead came back to life and all sin in the world was washed away in the cleansing fire from Jesus' coming holy mix-tape.

"Jesu….I mean God da...Holy shi… DAAAMMMMN JC THAT WAS FIRE!" The dumbass who wrote that exclaimed. "Ok next on the mic we got our main man repping long beach, The Truck Driver!"

The truck driver stepped forward awkwardly. "Uh im actually from Toronto aye?.

"I don't care spit that shit cracker, the Arab Jew just brought the fuego." the overly proud blonde boasted.

"Uhh, here we go *insert some banjo cousin fucking music here* Yeee haww. Yeee, yeee, hawww git er done, lessgo. Eastbound and down, i'm about to bust on this clown. Im loaded up and fuckin. Im bout to do what they say can't be done. You see the smile I'm kinda having fun. Got a long way to go but yo imma get there. Im eastbound just watch ya boy bandit run. Ya betta keep that foot hard on the pedal, where you going you wont need them brakes." The Truck Driver blatantly plagiarized. "Uh, I guess stop the beat I ain't got nothing else."

"Yo Burt Reynolds gonna sue someone" Rose said hearing the second shitty verse from a the blonde idiot.

"No he ain't he's fucking dead," Neo said in an attempt to immediately date this chapter.

Rose chuckled, stepping up and pulling the mic from the truck driver, "Yo, this rap goes out to all my girls, who strugglin with identity and shit. To my fiddle partner, Satan, for teaching me how to kick it like the best of them. To my wife, who's anxiously waiting her turn. Yo, this goes out to everyone really. So let me begin. We begin at the start of time, world's are empty including mine. Eyes open in the universe, trillions ready to spit a verse. Big Bang and people start talkin' smack, shit started getting wack, people coming here trying to rap. I got my main man JC MCin' for me, I spittin straight fire like it's second nature for me, You're California and I'm a stray fuckin' breeze, bringing embers and shit ready to light these trees. Like hell you trying to step to me, y'all better start running while you're still free. I'm a goddess of a chaos, Loki's my bitch, I'm gonna show you exactly the fits I pitch. Grippin a mic like it's my line to life, coming up here with a mind of strife, gobblin' all ya like y'all just mice, I'm a cat not kitten, I won't play nice." Rose dropped the mic and stepped back, smirking.

"Wow that was some fire, and not just because it's the first one I didn't have to write it." the blonde said picking up the mic "But next time don't drop my shit. It's fucking expensive.

Neo twirled her parasol and picked the mic up from the ground, "

"Yooo, I'm the ice cream, wet dream, queen. Kiss ya career goodbye, cause my flow so cash money, and ya rhymes are trash honey, now ya better run that fuckin cash in a flash. Your flow is horrible and obscene, now bow down the the goddamn meme rhymes are wack, and now ya girl is sitting here ready to attack. Bitch ugly on the low key, face lookin like Shrek's donkey. You sitting on your horse so high, but get ready to fall cause it's time to say goodbye. Now that I've knocked you off ya block, I wanna say thanks for coming to my TED talk." Neo said smugly dropping the mic.

"Oh damn ladies and gentleman! What we have here is record breaking. That verse had something for everyone. Shrek, memes, roasts, and a new author that is somehow better than the both previous idiots combined. Are we hyping her up so she doesn't run away in terror from this clusterfuck? No! Also shut up!" The blonde said. "Next up we got the Political Paramedic of the Papal Persuasion and that's about all I got for alliteration so grab this mic and spit Mr. Cuckservative"

"I actually consider myself more a Libertarian"

"I consider you a bitch now spit that shit."

"Yo, I'm coming at you like a southpaw left, screaming all the way "Taxation is theft", Im lookin at you looking at me, like I come from the party of tea, I'm a Libertarian, Vegetarian, Solitarian, Limitarian fucking MC of an EMT. I'm yelling meat is murder, and I'm gonna knock those thoughts off ya girder. Your shits in a cage, but it's plain to see my flow's free range. You can say my morals have caved, but aint none of you getting saved. All men may be created equal, but that ain't the case is this shitty ass sequel, About to send you into a hell of an organic panic, feel the effects, cause you know you useless women are nothing but objects, Coming straight out KC, yelling fuck ya man JC I'm saving more lives than him you see? After I get done with this fake ass Klan, y'all gonna need a coroner's van." after painfully and awkwardly listing off some forced rhymes the Paramedic went to set the mic down but it exploded into a cloud of glitter penises.

"Yo that shit was fucking garbage." Rose said dropping a detonator.

"Mainly because I wrote it." said the blonde after getting back on his bullshit. "Next on the mic is the frostiest set of tits south of the north pole. Winter "I did not" Schnee "That coming"

Winter popped her knuckles, grimacing as Rose handed her a titty microphone. She put it up to her lips and cleared her throat, "I'd like to thank my wife, for getting the band back together again, and for Yang for being such a gracious loser. I hear a pop from the popping and locking my girl's doin', watching the rock rollin' and stoppin' like your heart's doin', toss my ass in a river and watch me float, because this bitch is on a boat. Captain of SS Kick Your Ass, I'm world class, I'm a famous bitch, skills on the mic like a witch. Throwin' slurs at ya, with a jangle of spurs at ya, digging my heels in, my music magic, it's healin', I ain't got time for sluts, but I'll make an exception, your mind's stuck in a rut? I'll give an exemption. I'm exceptional, I got the skills, my music is conceptual, makin' y'all feel sexual. Givin' you butterflies with my rhymes, livin in a crazy town in crazy times, breaking your verse down like an enzyme. Stick you in a Hearse like Tarantino, my words are murder I guarantee though, you standin' by like you are Lilo, ask your boyfriend I'll think he'll know."

"Oh fuck, Winter following her wife up with some bars. How's her opponent, the buxom Yang Xiao Long going to fare?"

"Bitch you thirsty, please grab a Sprite My Crips lurkin', don't die tonight I just want to dance wit' you, baby Just don't move too fast, I'm too crazy I don't shop at the mall, all y'all just Dumb mothafucka I'm a goddamn artist You can give me some markers and I'll draw you a closet And you know that it's GOLF Bitch go on and make the deposit My slick accapella sounds clever with the beats Boy I'm the deepest thing since potholes to ever hit the streets With the mic I'm like a dyke, can't no dude fuck with this You want your shit to blow up? Well I'ma stuff some dynamite in your ass crack I'll stop the alphabet at S and got it down to a T I'm sure your bound to agree You could date a stick of dynamite and wouldn't go out with a bang You couldn't make the fans throw up their hands if they swallowed their Fingers I'll make the roof hot like I was Rock Master Scott Your ass forgot, so just in case you don't remember me I'll run your brain around the block to jog your fucking memory Little bit of this, little bit of that (Little bit of this, little bit of that) Might dump a clip, where them niggas at? Might fuck your bitch, where the women at?" Yang quoted.

"Ok that can't count that's literally just like 4 different songs by actual artists" the blonde remarked

"Must be the drugs that got us thinkin crazy shit," Yang drunkenly slurred.

"OK now that we're done with this." Neo replied

"Groupies lining up to suck a baby's dick" Yang continued to slur.

"Wait man, like I didn't go" the stoner piped up. As he said it a loud shock was heard and an instant later his head exploded.

"No more time I'm late to pretend I'm a decent mother." Rose replied lowering a sawn off shotgun painted with animal penises. The utter lack of shock at this cheap cop out by the increasingly weary writer was interrupted by what can be best described as a satanic clucking. The group of lesbians and meaningless side characters look up to the sky and saw a 10 story metalic chicken like abomination. Fire shot from its eyes and the souls of the orphans we killed off earlier decorated its gizzard.

"What the fuck is that thing? What ass raping, bizarro world, Vegan wet dream is that? That's the ugliest mother fucker this side of the Mississippi, I swear with an ugly mug like that you could scare children. Elmo's fucking jealous of this pedo looking son of a bitch. I'm gonna kill it," Rose smirked. Her smirk and overly cocky attitude was interrupted by the giant cock _**(Dont you dare fucking laugh)**_ launching a volley of metal feathers at her. Rose was hit and shot off into the sky within an instant.

"Oh shit, we gotta go after her," Winter said, panicked.

"Oh come on she's too much fun to write they can't kill her off" Truck driver said concerned. Rose owed him about 500$ from a backroom strip poker game and he was counting on that to make rent.

"Can, will, and am that bitch ate all the fucking doughnuts." the blonde said in a fit of rage due to the low blood sugar.

"I'm actually more concerned she lands somewhere and does something to break the universe. Lord knows this cluster fuck is already hanging on by a thread and no offense Winter but your lovely bride has always had a habit of walking up to the line and erasing the fucker" Neo explained.

"I don't actually like that one but seeing as she is one of my children and has been generous enough to keep heaven stocked with fresh souls we must go after her." Jesus said forgetting he was only brought in for a rap battle.

"CLUCK CLUCK"

"NOT NOW!" they all screamed in unison

"Cluck cluck?" the demon chicken whimpered.

"She went Weast-ish?" the truck driver pointed out "We just need to find transportation to get there." Yang luckily had just the thing and luckily it also fit with the song lyric speech challenge I gave us for this chapter.

"Why don't you come with me little girl, on a magic carpet ride. You don't know what, we could find." Yang sang in a Steppenwolf-esque manner.

"Babe! I love the impractical things you keep in your back problems in case of shit like this!" Neo excitedly yelled jumping into her arms.

"Wait just a god damned minute. How are all you fuckers going to fit on a fucking area rug." the ginger writer huffed. "I want a fucking road trip."

"I could actually go for some road head." Neo remarked hopping off the floating duvet as Yang stuffed it back into her bra. "Now only to find a car."

"Cluck?" the frankly piss scared demon poultry product inquired.

"I think my future KFC family meal has a point, you sir are a fucking truck driver, where the hell is your fucking truck." Neo said.

"Oh damn, forgot about that. Even though it's the only identity I've been given. My real name isn't truck driver, its _" dipshit tried to explain.

"Not giving you a backstory or even making you a main character dude, serve your purpose and give them a damn truck or I swear to god I will have you drown in hippo cum in the fucking Christmas special." the angry blonde remarked.

"Ya, ya. Its over here." the dejected dimwit said hanging his head while walking towards a school bus.

"Wait if you drive a bus shouldn't you be a bus driver?" Neo asked.

"Don't question it, shut up." Yang remarked in her best Dr. Wily impression.

"If we make him a bus driver then the memelords will thank him and he shouldn't be treated like he's people. Can't do that with any side characters. They get uppity and demand "rights" and "paychecks". Ungrateful bastards." the snarky ginger replied.

And that is where we end this brief revival. The gang of unimportant nobodies and our group of weird lesbians that in some way represent our collective fetishes walking towards a school bus to rescue the other lesbian who is just a manifestation of a bad acid trip I had in college. Until next time you fucking half wits I'm the needlessly Irish narrator signing off.

 _Goddamn, well what's done is done_ _ **( for those playing the home game this is no longer a legitimate defense in California state court...learned that the hard way)**_ _, I reckon. How you feeling Ghost?_ _ **(need. beer.)**_ _He's doing great. This is, I think, our longest chapter_ _ **(I'll show you my longest chapter ;) )**_ _to date? It's been a long time and we really had the creative juices_ _ **(um phrasing)**_ _flowing on this one. We're gonna get to work on the Halloween special eventually_ _ **(look for that. Summer of 2056. That's when my license expires so I doubt I'll have anything better to do)**_ _and… why the fuck am I even saying this shit? No one cares, and if you're do you're mental._ _ **(mentally in love with the eye rape we give you)**_ _Whatever, I've been told asking politely for reviews and shit works_ _ **(or call them fuck wits until they feed me shit)**_ _, and if I was you I'd totally do that._ _ **(I hate to advocate not reviewing but we are literally just gonna roast you.)**_ _Keeps us in business making the content you love,_ _ **( love is a strong word)**_ _and if anyone is interested_ _ **(interested is a stronger word)**_ _we're working on getting this chapter voice acted and it's gonna be beautiful (not)_ _ **(beat me to it)**_ _. That's that for now, Ghost any last words for the audience before we bid them adieu?_ _ **(Nipple salads)**_ _Close enough. Such a way with words that one. Well this has been this_ _ **(story of my life)**_ _. Christ._ _ **(not even your god can save you now….although his son did spit some fucking fiiirre this chapter)**_ _Oh fuck thanks for reminding me, one last thing. Look out for the Silent Striker mix tape,_ _ **(dear god I wish we were kidding)**_ _we're gonna actually record and produce the raps_ _ **(you may take this as some kind of joke? It's not. Actually probably maybe the only serious thing in this whole damn chapter)**_ _from this chapter and post them online for free,_ _ **(herpes is free as well just to put that in perspective)**_ _eventually planning to become an actual thing._ _ **(we got dreams of showbiz baby! ….well he does. I just want to touch Lionel Richie's dick)**_ _I'd say that that's gay, but it's probably the straightest gay thing anyone could want to do to be totally fucking honest with y'all._

 _AN 2: Pay no attention to this, dear reader, we're just trying to hit a number goal. Bullshitting this like our term papers, you better fucking believe that we used a thesaurus to inscribe our elongated appellation cardboard for our lyceum that we attended._ ** _(fuck yea, what he said)_**


End file.
